Today I smile even I don’t have any special reason. It’s feeling good. Can’t say even how good. I know tomorrow I could be crying for what ever reason but today I smile. I’m happy. I have learned from my self again something more.
They said that life is proses from birth to death. I agree.
Spring time I couldn’t say that I’m happy. Some occasionally days maybe happy ones but those were less that unhappy days or moments. I was under some black blanket with heavy weight. It’s embarrassing to admit it. Me who so many people use to see always smiling or happy was turn to unhappy, heavy, sad, grey, from inside almost dead person. I was trying so hard to not show it too. Even for my most nearest ones. That was making life even more hard.
Still I feel embracing to admit it and writing here it all open. It’s scaring me as hell.. But I’m human in proses and I want to win my scars and fears. Except my self as I’m. Not at all as perfect person.. but perfect with my flaws.
How that all happened? For sure not in one moment. It was many things and those summary from long time.
It was maybe starting any where near by starting work in my last job. I had full of ideas and energy to do all. I was trying to be open for all .. for new city, for new people, new ideas, new habits, new relationship.. and so on. But problem was that I was still living in my past and missing it quite much.
Thing is I had one best years of my life behind and leaving from there was hurting more that I was really ever imagine. I think I have just realized that bit by bit in half year. Jumping from life where I had peoples around me nearly everyday to totally different.. being alone.
I had really good friend who with we were almost in relationship without really never being in it. I wasn’t ready for it and I don’t know why. Same time he was really interested and in some point I did broke his heart. I’m still sorry for that and if I could have power to do something I would do something different. I lose that day also one of my best friends in my lifetime. I know it was my fault and I will carry on that end of my life more or less. Some days I still miss him but mostly I have learned to be ok with it.
New life at new place was hard. To realized that I’m alone and feeling so too. My now ex was living in different country. Only way to keep contact was messages and call’s by Skype and see one time in 1-3 months average. Also I know my job is not the easiest job for getting new hobby and make some friends. Specially in small town where in streets you see mostly elder people at day time or high school age studiers. I’m also shy even that could be hard to believe. I was feeling paralyzed sometimes.I had some fears in my head.
Working was own thing. Skaters like always were so nice and lovely! But for some reason with club we didn’t really find our way to do it thogether. I’m sure that both of us were trying best and trying really also understand each others but in the end never really find it way. I can’t say that it was their or mine fault .. more I see that it was both of us. I hope for skaters and club just best for the future!
It was for me place to learn so many things. Thank you for lessons.
Do you know that feeling when things start to go wrong and it’s really go so long that everything is down? It was what happened for me. It’s hurt like hell and then you just try to survive somehow. Finally you try to lift yourself up from ashes.
During the spring time things were in that place that everything was starting to collapse bit by bit. First I did my decision to leave from club when my contract was ended. Even that was hurting to admit my self that I was failing in my mind .. I had image in my head what want to do there and I was not there where I was seeing me and club. Failing is always hard. This was my experience. I was hearing some good things from parents and skaters also before leaving so I wasn’t do bad job.. but when you have high expectations and not reach them.. for me it was failing in my mind.
Next was relationship and also plans for future with it. Other big failing in my life and in two months. I was failing to be that person who he could love and plan future with. I was not able to save that anymore. Even I was loving him so much. My heart was broken big time. Same time I felt that I lost many other peoples from there too. Even that I know that if I put message for those peoples they could answer for me but some reason I still can’t. I miss them but maybe time is just not yet ready for me to be in touch. Oh I miss Germany too. I fell in love that country and language too.
Last thing was to move back to home. I’m 30 years old woman and I was living with my parents and be unemployed . Don’t understand wrong I’m grateful for my parents that they take me there and helped me when I needed most. But really if you have managed to handle your life by your self already over 10 years moving back was other failure for me. Also I love Kuopio where I’m from but I haven’t felt that anymore to be my home. I know my roots will be there forever and I’m proud of it. I love to visit there too but for now ..living ..no thank you.
So in six month my life was collapsed in that point that I was living with my parents, heart broken, somewhere where I didn’t want to be and I was unemployed. I had no idea what to do in first place. I was literally looking to mirror in some day and I was seeing gray skin, death eyes and I was looking like zombie. I was there but still somewhere else. I didn’t recognize that person.
I did know that something I need to do in some point and find new way. I had wonderful friends and brother who was listening me so many times when I needed to talk, they were going to out or do some sport with me, just siting somewhere being silent, asking all crazy questions and just be support.
Thank you Parents, Sami, Teija, Niina, Heli, Aki, Niko, Jenni, Ossi, Annika, Eliel and so many other people during that time. You know that you can always call me or be contact if you need me. I promise to help you as best I can! ❤
In some point I start to write this blog but also for my self that I have easier to get along what is happening in my head and also my feelings. I was so negative all the time that I did’t like it anymore. I needed to do for my self again something. I Started pros and cons. From those I have blog pots done. Step by step I was doing things what I was liking and remembering my dreams what I have had for my self too. picking up things what I have liked to do before everything and meanwhile everything. I decided to not giving up for thing because no reason. I started to do anything for future.
I think my mom was asking from me why I want to get abroad so bad? I can’t really say why. It’s some feeling inside of me what have always lead me to somewhere. Some power inside me driving me forward and not give up. Some times it’s more stronger than some other times. That feeling I have had so long that I need to get somewhere looking world or something. During Spring and summer time I was even saying that I would love to be exploring something new and be miserable than stay still and be miserable.
Also Figure skating have teaching me. Fail but get up and try again. Try so long that you learn and succeed. Also it was teaching to work when you are injured juts with limits. Never give up if you have some dream. But end of the day what you can do is just your best. If that dream is changing go with that. It’s not so wrong to change your dream if it’s feels good.
Did I lear anything from those two years and from spring time? Yes! (Things are not any order)
Summer was good time to go trough things with my self .. like what I wan’t to do? Where I can see my self? Who am I? What I want to be? What is important for me? Why I’m here? What I have done? What have happened to me? and many other things.
I learned that I have people’s in my life even they aren’t always near me. I learned that those peoples are most important persons in my life! ❤
I learned or remembering again to find my way to use or learn english and other languages, love traveling even more, that I still love skating and coaching, continue some things what I see important, be alone too, laugh to my self (little bit more), be more open, life is not perfect and it’s could be good anyway, everything is not going how you planed, heart brokening hurst a lot, I can care and love someone really, I can do commitment, I can be so happy for other peoples, i’m emotional person and sensitive, crying is not bad thing, happiness could be small things……… list is long.
Yesterday one friend was asking me what makes me happy? (not in any order)
That I and my love ones can be healthy, Friends and knowing that they and their families are doing good, helping others, Music, Sunshine, dreaming and trying to get them true, good food, sleeping, nature, learning new things, glass of wine every now and then, movies … So mostly many quite basic things. Good question from my friend!
One day I was laughing hard. I was making some silly Facebook test and there was some ”beautiful word for 2018” . what I was getting ? Change ! Their promise some big changes to my life… I was laughing because after this year I’m ready to take it .. bring on what ever is coming!
But today I’m happy to be here and living one part of my abroad dream ant Sweden maybe alone but knowing that there is somewhere my loved ones.
Take care of your self and your loved ones!
PS. My music list decided that background music is good to be Britney Spears – Stronger !
” I’m stronger than yesterday, Now it’s nothing but my way, My loneliness ain’t killing me no more. I’m stronger” 😉 ❤
With Love: Hennette