Hidden past life

Not so happy parts of my life is now there.. should I push enter and released it? What could happen if I do it ? What if some one look me differently?  What If ? Still I’m afraid of.. but quest what ? It’s have been so long inside of me that it’s better come out now. This all is my past live!

I was watching yesterday TV series 13 reasons why. It’s not easy to look at all but somehow looking anyway. At least for me it was not easy. This text will tell something about me. What I have use to be afraid of tell before. So this will be not one of happy texts to read. This will be honest from my point of view. One thing what have been inside of me so long and taking too much energy to cover it up.

13 reasons why is telling about girl who make suicide and reasons why she did it. Same time showing life of family and friends after the death. This for those who haven’t watch it. That you can know it’s not easy one from topic.

Ok so my story. I take first some breath to take my courage to start this. Where to start?

I have heard that when I was little I was really energy child and happy one who had good imagination. Doing anything almost always and laughing a lot but also crying till breath is not going trough too. If I had some reason to cry.

I can remember that when I was small one I had best nanny ever and I was loving her and other kids who were there too. That was one of my happy places beside home in early child hood. I can remember that I have been also little bit shy first with new peoples before I get to familiar with them. Some times it’s take more time that some other times. Anyway there is many good memories.

Other hand to think I remember feeling lonely also from quite young age. Playing in playground alone and inviting anything to do. That time we lived at Siilinjärvi one small town near by Kuopio and after we moved back to Kuopio I can remember all to start to go more or less not so good.

First place I was living at Kuopio was are of Saarijärvi and there was many big apartment houses and we lived one of those apartments. There was more kids outside too than at Siilinjärvi neighborhood. I still can’t understand that why I was the target there and get bullied. Just remember that there I have first time really get bullied. I was wanted to move and any point we did move to area of Päiväranta where I have lived longest time of my life.

There I was going first time some day care. I can still remember lobby of it and second floor of that apartment. I’m lucky that I can’t remember anymore those face of that woman. I was there just short time just 1-3 weeks I guess. I can’t be sure anymore. I just think that she didn’t like me at all. I don’t know was it anything what I did or just that she want to be vicious but if some one other did anything wrong it was my fault. Anything else I can’t remember from there. Just last call for dad that “come take me home” crying same time and eventually he did and I never didn’t need to go back. Years from there I saw nightmares from that woman. Last remember of those nightmares are any where teen age.

Pre school was then more or less ok. From there I have still two good friends in my life and I feel blessed to have them in my life. They really know me and love me still. Even that we have had life some times in our ways but still they are in my live. So blessed.

That time my neighborhood was nice too and I had some friends from there. We had fun and we played together quite a lot. Visiting each others and do things. That I can remember anyhow happy time.

Then the school time. First grade was still ok second almost ok. Then I did stay  at second grade second year. I had problem with my eyes and I didn’t learn to read properly. (Right eye were surgery two times and left ones between ages 6-12). So new class and someones I was knowing from neighborhood but most of them were strangers. From there starts 7 years bullying. I left out of playings or games, called names and I was in written stories normally not so good ways. School time was worst there was time that when I walked in to class room there was color of the day witch protect from radiation and of course they had some really nice nick name for me too because of it. Even going to eat, sport class or any other place class mates were carrying some piece of paper (if that color weren’t in clothes) with them that they are safe from radiation. This was maybe the ultimate left out feeling during those years. Even those who said that want to be my friends were saying that they can’t be it in school that they can avoid to get bullied. Some times I was hearing calling names out of school when I was walking to school or away from there. Few times get flying snow balls also or anything else stupid too.

That I have thinking so many times what I did to get it? did I be so different?  Was it anything what I did wear or didn’t? Anything what I did?  was it my loved sport? Did I had just too less time to spend with them? just simple why? I have try to understand them in years but still I can’t and normally don’t think it any more. So small steps I have been able to leave it behind me.

Thing is that I alway tried to get in anyway and I tried to be friend even they were totally ass wholes to me. Long time. If some one came to speak with me I did speak and still speak or at least say hey. I don’t expect to be friend with them anymore but I say hey.

At 7-9 grade I had One good friend (who is still one of my best friends !!) we were doing so much things together and had fun. We decide together put stop for bullying too and told our class teacher that what was going on. We had some conversation whit bullying class mates. It was ending but never be friends with them. Just being at school  was bit easier or much more easier. From that time I have 2 good friends witch is small miracle from my point of view but again I feel blessed to have them! 

Same time at home was hard too. My parents have always loved me and my brother verry much. They had their own problem as a couple and life. They were fighting a lot sometimes and then some times things were good. They get divorce some point and live separately and again together… so on , so on… Still I think they did best what they could at that time for us too. But unfortunately it was not making my life any easier at home.

Then there was third side of my life skating. I start to skate age of 5. First competition I had age 6 or 7. That Sport have been love of my life and kinda one safe place. On ice just do best what you can. Concentrate to do what you can. On Ice I’m just feel to be a life and me. I find that happiness from inside of me and that who want to lear so much and who is willing to do it too. On ice I still feel to be home.

What was happening there too in ice hall but off ice or off practice was some point same as at school. Leaving out side of group. . Some point I see me to leaving out more and concentrating to skating. Maybe that situation was starting to chance more or less any where age bet ween 14-15 and after that changing time to time. So happy but also un happy place. Still more than happy that I have had this sport in my life! 

I can remember that anywhere age of 14-15 I was starting to find new friends form anywhere else. That was time I was thinking to end skating too. They were nice and fun to be with. I needed that to start to build me again. Feeling to be ok to be me and still someone could like me. Most of them are now days good day friends but more or less life is what was happening in some point.

That time was what I needed but it was hard also to start to build trust your self and other peoples same time. In teen age.

Why that Tv series was so hard to watch for me? .. I find so many familiar feelings from there and I just can be happy that social media was’t there yet when I was child or young. Then the most biggest secret what only my closest friends are knowing .. There have been one night when I was standing at breakwater crying and feeling so so bad. Thinking to take a swim. In stead I decide to call one of my good friend and that talk at that night was my salvation. I’m sorry for my friend that he was forced to hear that in that night but same time I’m more than thankful that he was there for me.

So I can imagine if there is anything wrong in someones live.. it could be so many things. I could imagine that bad feeling inside what is just growing and don’t know what to do with it anymore. Just I can say that I could’t do that for my loved ones. I’m happy to be still here fighting back of my fights of life. To show people that I’m stronger that they believed or stronger that I ever believed and able to enjoy some really small things too.

How I see those days today? I see that I have walk long way already. I can say what I’m about. What I want to be in person but what I like to become too. I can see that it really take time to get know someone and get near. So I can see that I have my walls around me but those are not breakable. I see my self firs observing new peoples before I “decide” that is it ok to let in or not. I’m carefully with many things but I have seeing my courage building during the years. I know this road haven’t walked yet. I will grow so many ways.  Still I feel sometimes lonely but somehow I know that there is anywhere some peoples for me too and they are in my life even not always so near.

I believe that as long as I’m capable to believe goodness and that there is sun after storm I have anything to fight for. Also try to spread goodness to other peoples. I try to forgive all bad and still love life and peoples who are in it, leave from it or coming in it.

I still want to dream about new adventures, new opportunities, new page of life and all things what could be coming. Mean while trying to enjoy my life. For god sake I’m 30 years old woman already .. Maybe I deserve my dreams and I’m able to fight for it too! Can we do it together ?

And I hope that If there is anyone who have any same experiences or thinkings going trough or have had that You have even one thing what could floating you trough the worst times. That you can find power enough to reach one more time to get some help. That you can know you are not alone. You have still hope!

Love each others and show that, tell it ! ❤

❤ : Hennette

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